Once Upon a Time Nothing
Feeling a little blue and nostalgic today, I started going through old journals and found some things that really made me blush! The Lord has really brought me out of some mess, I tell you! I can't believe the state I was in just over four years ago compared to now! I was so lost back then. It seems like a lifetime ago. But it really isn't so very long ago. It is amazing how far the Lord can bring us in such a short space of time.
I remember that not long after I wrote these things I felt like He was putting me into some kind of fast-forward mode. Everything was just flying! My eyes were opened to so much so fast, knowledge and understanding were being poured on me in abundance. I remember being so excited and overwhelmed and scared all at once. But I didn't want it to stop. I was falling in love with God.
There is something special about true love. And when you are first falling in love and discovering someone it is the most alive you think you will ever feel. Try falling in love with the Lord. There is NOTHING like it.
My now husband told me that I wasn't being rushed forward per se, I was just being hurried toward where I would have been, should have been, had I stayed on course years before. We don't start over when we fall off track in our walk with the Lord. He just picks us up and puts us where we are supposed to be and keeps us moving. So true.
I am reading the fear I had when it came to standing before Him. I was always trying to cover myself and hide from Him, like Eve in the Garden. I just knew He was going to turn in disgust and leave me there alone and bleeding. There was no way He would want me. What use could God possibly have for a mess like me? I was more trouble than I was worth.
Yet, there He was. Consistently calling my name. Standing firmly planted in my way every time I turned down the wrong path. Whispering to me late in the midnight hour when I was alone and crying into my pillow. Inspiring dreams of a future I would never have dared to believe in for myself. Encouraging me through the Word, through sermons, through songs, through even my children. Present in the eyes and gentle love and understanding of His servants sent to guide me and teach me His ways.
Whenever I fell He picked me back up. He would cradle me so gently in His arms and reassure me of His love. He showed me that not every one leaves. Not everyone uses. Not everyone tears you down. Not everyone abuses. Not everyone abandons or neglects.
In the sobs that wracked my body I found comfort. In the pain that gripped the edge of my heart, threatening to tear my chest wide open, I found healing. In the nightmares that would haunt me, I found reassurance and courage. In the moments of defeat and failure, I found victory. In the moments of loneliness, I found His Presence. In moments of exasperation and anger, I found peace and forgiveness. In moments of weakness, I found strength. In moments of exhaustion, I found the will to keep pressing forward. In my fear, I found boldness. In the face of threats and mockery, I found love and confidence.
I have learned that no matter what the storm is, He is always the Ever Present Help in times of trouble. I've learned there is no storm, no temptation, no emotion that I feel that is too big for Him to handle. I've found more of His goodness and faithfulness through those moments of darkness than I ever would have found if things were always bright and sunny. Everything I found I found in Him. None of it was in me. It's Him.
Through what was probably the worst heart break one could ever live through, I found the purest, sweetest, greatest love that one can ever experience. The love of Christ. When I thought one love would kill me, I found One who had instead laid down His life so that I could live. Is there any greater love than this?
I am so grateful for every moment of darkness, fear, confusion and pain that I've suffered in this life. I count it all joy for what I have gained because of it. I may not have had much usefulness before. But He is making use of my nothingness now. The same as He used once upon a time nothings turned to loving stewards to pull me out of the pit and help to clean me up and steer me toward Him...He is preparing me to do the same.
His love is unfailing and miraculous. I pray that He continue to teach me how to show that love, feel that love and live that love every day with every one I meet.
I remember that not long after I wrote these things I felt like He was putting me into some kind of fast-forward mode. Everything was just flying! My eyes were opened to so much so fast, knowledge and understanding were being poured on me in abundance. I remember being so excited and overwhelmed and scared all at once. But I didn't want it to stop. I was falling in love with God.
There is something special about true love. And when you are first falling in love and discovering someone it is the most alive you think you will ever feel. Try falling in love with the Lord. There is NOTHING like it.
My now husband told me that I wasn't being rushed forward per se, I was just being hurried toward where I would have been, should have been, had I stayed on course years before. We don't start over when we fall off track in our walk with the Lord. He just picks us up and puts us where we are supposed to be and keeps us moving. So true.
I am reading the fear I had when it came to standing before Him. I was always trying to cover myself and hide from Him, like Eve in the Garden. I just knew He was going to turn in disgust and leave me there alone and bleeding. There was no way He would want me. What use could God possibly have for a mess like me? I was more trouble than I was worth.
Yet, there He was. Consistently calling my name. Standing firmly planted in my way every time I turned down the wrong path. Whispering to me late in the midnight hour when I was alone and crying into my pillow. Inspiring dreams of a future I would never have dared to believe in for myself. Encouraging me through the Word, through sermons, through songs, through even my children. Present in the eyes and gentle love and understanding of His servants sent to guide me and teach me His ways.
Whenever I fell He picked me back up. He would cradle me so gently in His arms and reassure me of His love. He showed me that not every one leaves. Not everyone uses. Not everyone tears you down. Not everyone abuses. Not everyone abandons or neglects.
In the sobs that wracked my body I found comfort. In the pain that gripped the edge of my heart, threatening to tear my chest wide open, I found healing. In the nightmares that would haunt me, I found reassurance and courage. In the moments of defeat and failure, I found victory. In the moments of loneliness, I found His Presence. In moments of exasperation and anger, I found peace and forgiveness. In moments of weakness, I found strength. In moments of exhaustion, I found the will to keep pressing forward. In my fear, I found boldness. In the face of threats and mockery, I found love and confidence.
I have learned that no matter what the storm is, He is always the Ever Present Help in times of trouble. I've learned there is no storm, no temptation, no emotion that I feel that is too big for Him to handle. I've found more of His goodness and faithfulness through those moments of darkness than I ever would have found if things were always bright and sunny. Everything I found I found in Him. None of it was in me. It's Him.
Through what was probably the worst heart break one could ever live through, I found the purest, sweetest, greatest love that one can ever experience. The love of Christ. When I thought one love would kill me, I found One who had instead laid down His life so that I could live. Is there any greater love than this?
I am so grateful for every moment of darkness, fear, confusion and pain that I've suffered in this life. I count it all joy for what I have gained because of it. I may not have had much usefulness before. But He is making use of my nothingness now. The same as He used once upon a time nothings turned to loving stewards to pull me out of the pit and help to clean me up and steer me toward Him...He is preparing me to do the same.
His love is unfailing and miraculous. I pray that He continue to teach me how to show that love, feel that love and live that love every day with every one I meet.
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