The Big Picture-Cambodia Missions Blog Part 1

How do I put into words an experience so great that it has transformed my entire existence? How do I describe the indescribable acts of God I witnessed in things as small as crayons and glue sticks over the course of this year leading up to our trip, during the trip and already in the two weeks since returning home?

One teammate and friend said she went into this with the question of “Does God look the same in other places?” The answer she received was, “Yes”. I’m sure she is correct in this. The Word states that God is forever the same. My experience was a little different though. I didn't experience  the Lord in Cambodia the same as I have at home. I found I saw Him, really saw Him, for maybe the first time.

That sounds a little crazy, right? I've been a believer of Jesus Christ for almost sixteen years now. I've been walking faithfully with the Lord for almost seven years straight. I’m in ministry. I’m a small group leader in my church whose job is to point women to Jesus and His Word at all times. I live the gospel message in my marriage, with my children, and in all I do.

I have experienced the redemptive power of the Holy Spirit in multiple areas my life. I have been healed of physical, emotional and spiritual wounds that I thought nothing could ever touch. I have seen the power of God moving in the lives of those around me, even when they are unaware of it. So how can I say with utter certainty that I did not truly see God until I went to Cambodia you ask?

I’m a details girl. I always have been. I’m always in the details, worrying about the details and correcting, adjusting and rechecking the details. All. The. Time. In every situation. It’s how I function. And in a lot of way this serves me very well. It serves my family and keeps our home running smoothly. It opens doors for me to be volunteer at my children’s school, in the church office. I thrive in that role. I can see God in the details moving when in ministry situations. I can identify when He is at work. Learning to identify Him in the details has helped to keep my faith boosted when the details overwhelm and threaten to drown me.

However, while I’m inspecting the details I tend to miss the big picture. I don’t always catch the full scope of the vision because I immediately dissect it and start looking at the small parts and what needs done by who, when, and how. I rarely see the big picture of anything in my life. When I actually catch the vision of something in its entirety it’s a moment to document and one to cherish for me. Those feel like gifts from God when they happen; moments to be treasured.

It has never really bothered me in any real way that I’m like this. I know that this world needs people to fit all the different roles. We need the visionaries who can picture it all laid out and exactly how it needs to look and flow. There are those of us who know how to work behind the scenes to make the vision happen. I’m one of those worker bees behind the scenes and I love that role. 

My appreciation for these different social roles is probably why I enjoyed the Divergent book series so much. As flawed as the system was, in theory the faction system makes sense to me. But I digress.

In the last seven years of serving in the details I have felt a void in my walk with the Lord. I have wept at times and cried out to God, begging Him to fill that place. To give me whatever I was missing. No matter what I did I always felt a lack. In my marriage. In parenting. In volunteering. In small group leadership. As a daughter and sister. As a friend. As a disciple of Christ. In worship. In prayer time. I've always felt something missing.  And as a details girl you can imagine how aware I was of the missing piece of the puzzle. I have been begging the Lord to change what needs changed and to fill what needs filled. If there is anything hindering me to remove it, yank it out, whatever He has to do. I just want to feel complete. Complete in Him. Complete in who I am as a woman. Complete in every role I play. And I understood that He was the only source that completion could come from.

Below is an excerpt from my Missions Journal. I am going to be including many of these as we progress through this journey the Lord is taking me on.

June 16, 2015: "At our meeting the other night Pastor Mark said that for some of us on the team this trip it is going to be a pivotal moment in our ministry. This will be the experience that the Lord will use to shift everything inside of us and turn us into the Christians, the leaders, we are meant to be and called to be. I felt those words into the very depths of my spirit. This trip is going to add the piece that I have felt missing for so long. Something is coming. Something I have been missing, praying for, seeking and longing for. It’s almost here."

I went into this mission with a hungry expectation and a receptive spirit. Much like I did my Encounter Retreat seven years ago. The Lord didn't disappoint then and He certainly hasn't now.

The thing is, I didn't know what the missing piece was. I had no idea what I was missing. I've had in depth, and oftentimes emotional, conversations with my husband and leaders about this void and feeling of being incomplete. This, “I’m missing something somewhere!” feeling. And as sympathetic as they have been, no one has ever had the answer. And I always had the feeling that they really didn't understand what I meant either. To everyone looking in it looked like I had it all and was just too blind to see it.

It took going all the way to Cambodia and ministering and being ministered to and working, praying and playing and then having my heart broken as I said good-bye to the beautiful souls I fell in love with there to realize I was made full. There was no void. There was no emptiness. The last day there, as we were prayed over and I felt the separation starting to set in I realized that I was completely full and satisfied. I was complete. This is probably what made it even more painful to say good-bye to them, because I didn't want to lose what I had gained.

When I got home I became pretty depressed the first week back. I felt like I was just kind of going through the motions each day, and some days I didn't bother to get out of bed to bother with the motions. I felt hollow and deflated and completely heartbroken. I spent years praying for the Lord to complete me, to fill me, to give me the missing piece. And just as I felt complete and full and satisfied and experienced joy in abundance I had to leave it behind and feel even more empty than I did before leaving. Why did I bother to go in the first place? I went through a phase where I thoroughly disagreed with the quote, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”.

Another week has passed. A week of prayer and worship and service and friends and reflection. A weekend of intense ministry and worship and prophecy has come and gone. Clarity has come. The fog has cleared. And right now, Desaray can say she has one of those treasured moments in her hand. A perfect jewel to cling to. I see the big picture.

I went to Cambodia and I was able to be about the details. I fell into the role there just as easily as here. It is who I am; who God created me to be. And as much as I tried to turn it off at times I quickly saw the need for the someone to pay attention to the details. And if that is my gifting, why would I not contribute it and avoid some fires along the way for the team? Being in the details helped me to assist our leaders and to put together skits for the kids and to keep our families up-to-date at home. Being in the details helped me to take care of injured teammates along the way and to look out for the little things that could become big if not properly taken care of. I thrived in the details as usual.

Something else was happening in the details though. In each situation I was looking at the whole scope of things from my own unique angle. I could see the Lord moving in such a huge way. While I was there the blinders that usually keep me shielded from the big stuff so I can focus on what’s in front of me were removed and I was able to see both the details of each thread along with the gorgeous tapestry being woven around us. I could see how and why each detail fit together. I could see what the Lord was doing and the impact it was having on individuals, but also the group collectively. I usually miss this.

I don’t know why I could see better or why this new vision was opened to me while I was there, but I have noticed that it has not been turned off since I've been back. A shift has happened in my perception of everything since I've returned. I feel the emotions around me, not just notice them and wonder where they are coming from. I feel the need around me and look for ways to fulfill it. I sense the desperation and anxiety of others and instead of being overwhelmed by it and retreating, I’m finding myself calmly planted and speaking words of affirmation and life and faith. I find myself declaring these things with such certainty that those around me start to believe them too. I've always been one to be more of a thermometer, gauging and following the temperature of the world around me. Now I’m seeing myself more like a thermostat, setting the temperature instead.

I wish I could tell you some huge, monumental moment or event that occurred that opened my eyes completely and took the blinders off for me. But I can’t. I don’t think it was just one event. I think it was just a subtle awakening to the workings of God all around me as I took in more details each moment. I noticed more than I usually would. I was aware of those around me and the atmosphere of the groups we were in. I didn't suddenly get “the big picture” view as some would. I saw detail by detail the picture coming together and was broken before a magnificent God who could work such glory through us so unworthy of Him. In the multitude of details and in my own brokenness before Him (where I wasn't trying to figure Him out or His plan or what He was going to do next) I found completeness. I found wholeness through brokenness. I found the big picture in my stack of details.

I saw God when I stopped looking everywhere for Him and just sat back and expected Him to show up. I saw Him clearly when I stopped trying to figure Him out and just expected to be wowed. I saw Him bigger than I could ever imagine Him to be. As He removed every stumbling block of distance, cultural and language gaps, conflicting personalities, illness, minor injuries, homesickness and exhaustion from our path. 

I saw the love of Christ shining brightest in a dark room of weeping servants bowed before Him as He cleansed us and served us in the most humbling of ways. 

I experienced the fullness of Christ in all the details: All at once and piece by piece. There are no words to describe the sweetness of this to anyone who has not experienced Him in this way. Some may think it a shame that I had to travel to other side of the globe to see Him this way and to experience this level of humility and brokenness before Him. That I should have had the big picture long ago. I am more than grateful for the opportunity to be introduced the Lord in such a special way in such a special place. I used to think something was seriously wrong with me because I was so empty when I served a God who promised to fill me to overflowing and a life of abundance. In my willingness to serve Him and His people, I found the overflow and the fulfillment of His promises. 

I had to go to a place in the world where there is a lack in almost every basic need in the natural to find the abundance of Christ. I had to go to a place where I couldn't speak a word of their language in order to hear the Holy Spirit speak clearly to me and answer questions I have whispered from the privacy of my own bed. I had to go to a place scarred with tragedy to find the beauty of God’s creation in a new, mesmerizing way. I had to step away from my family and friends here to a world of strangers all around to finally see where my place is in the church and to find the call of God on my life.

Pastor Mark’s promises about this trip were met. Everything in me has shifted. I kept waiting to feel “normal” when I got home. I finally had to come to the conclusion that this is the new normal. I am not that woman any more. I am forever and irrevocably altered within because the Spirit of God came in and wreaked havoc on me while I was in one of the most peaceful places I've ever been. I found peace in chaos. I found wholeness while being broken. I found humility in the midst of others gratitude for my service. I found God. I found God in a way that I didn't even know I was missing Him.

 I came face to face with Him in the face of every child I embraced. I joined hand in hand with Him in every dollar I donated and every act of service I set my hands to when called upon. I found healing in the tending of others wounds. I found comfort for myself while taking care of others. I was fed when I poured out of myself to fill others. So many people told me that a mission trip is the most rewarding experience of one’s life. Now I understand why. For all I gave, the Lord replaced it in me a hundred fold.

I've had some people say before we left and since we have been back that things are different here. That we operate under a special grace there that we don’t have here; a different anointing. That is such a lie of the enemy and I feel sorry for anyone who honestly believes that. My friend was able to return home and declare with confidence that the God who is the same yesterday, today and forevermore is the same geographically as well; so is His Spirit of grace. We were more aware of it there in the heightened state of prayer and sensitivity that we were going in and while there. But I can still see and even taste that grace here and now. It took going to the other side of the world for me to truly recognize the grace of God. How majestic is that?

The day before we left I noted in my journal that I woke up that morning feeling energized and could feel an hum or vibration buzzing within me. I felt as if I had been plugged into a power source and a switch was flipped. Now I see that I've been plugged into that source for years. I was just too busy with the details to bother flipping the switch. This trip forced the switch to be turned on. And now that I've experienced this kind of power and vision and love that transforms lives how can I deny it? How can I ever go back to trying to operate without it? If I’m not humming, I’m not alive. I've learned it is truly not by power or might of our own, but by the Spirit of God. I had to go somewhere that it was impossible for me to operate in my own capacities to allow God to take over and move and reveal Himself to me.

I can’t unsee what I have seen. I cannot unrealize the visions that have been revealed to me. I cannot turn off the passion and sensitivity that have been awakened within me. My friend went to Cambodia and received confirmation that God is the same everywhere. I went to Cambodia and found out who God really is and was able to return home and now confidently agree that He is the same everywhere. I just had to see Him somewhere else first to learn how to see Him here.

Thank you, Lord, for the big picture and for every detail that creates your majestic beauty.