Awakened

A few months ago I shared the announcement that I had finished writing my first book. I had hoped I would have it in hand by now to share with anyone who was willing to read it, but there are many details I did not account for. It's been a process in patience building for sure. 

Many of you know that I went to Cambodia with a missions team last year. One of my teammates kept encouraging us throughout our months of fundraising and preparation to hold strong in our faith as opposition would come our way. When he first shared that I thought he meant opposition would come in some huge way. I didn't realize it was in the details. The little things that could annoy or distract us from the big picture. Opposition has a funny way of disguising itself to get our attention on it and off of the mission. Once I figured that out anything that popped up along the way to "go time" I would simply label as "opposition before the mission" and keep praying right on through it. 

Several of my teammates have returned to Cambodia since our time there and as each of them have encountered troubles big and small just before their "go time", we kept reminding each other it's just the opposition before the mission. 

Bringing this back around to my book now. I've wanted to write a book for as long as I can remember. I've had a lot of false starts over the years. I knew it was in me. And the Lord, during a season of intense fasting and prayer, told me that I would do this. But when I started this book it wasn't intentional. I was writing for myself. I was writing through a great deal of pain and emotional torment and just needed to get it out the best way I knew how. Before I knew what was happening the story was flowing from my fingertips and coming to life before me. With any other other writing pieces I've worked on I've had to struggle with the back and forth and blocks followed by spurts of inspiration. It was a nightmare. This time it was pouring out of me like a glass of water turned on its side. 

As I got further into it and realized where the Lord was leading me and where He wanted to take this, I saw the entire project as a mission. I started praying and preparing for the launch of my book like I did my mission trip last year. It's the same mission I had then (share the amazing bondage-breaking love of Christ), just a different mission field. Same mission, different mission field. 

In my announcement about my book I shared that a prophetic word was spoken over my life last year that opened the door to all of this. I'd like to elaborate on that a little more. 

A guest pastor visited our church for a weekend last year, just after my return from Cambodia. He took a day to do a workshop with the small group leaders and just poured into us. At the end of the teaching, as people were dispersing or looking to get a moment of his time, I began to help with the clean-up. However, God had other plans. The pastor sought me out and pulled me aside to share a word from God that he had received for me during the service. Most others who had received a prophetic word received it in front of the group at large and even received a recording of it. Mine was quiet and personal and afforded me discretion and privacy. I am extremely grateful for that. 

Without sharing the word in its entirety (buy the book when it's released-I shared it there 😉) I'll say that my world was rocked. There are things from my past that I would not share or talk about with people, including my own husband. I had locked up some doors nice and tight and I was determined to leave them that way. Even though I knew I had received God's forgiveness and the forgiveness of others involved, I was still ashamed of my past. I was still embarrassed by it. I didn't see it as something miraculous God had done, but instead as a stupid and awful mess that I had made. God had just cleaned it up for me. And there was no need to air out dirty laundry. 

But Pastor Gary told me to prepare myself for the overhaul that was coming. The doors weren't staying closed much longer and the Lord was about to shake up my entire world. He warned me that (well I think it was meant as a promise and encouragement, but I took it as a warning in the moment) people I wasn't looking for were coming back into my life and apologies I never thought I'd hear were going to be spoken. I had better get ready for the deliverance and healing that were mine. It was sealed in the heavens. 

Three days later my past showed up and the last door I ever wanted opened was thrown wide. Almost nine years ago, when I was married to my first husband and we were headed toward a divorce, I had an affair. Something I thought was my due after all I had put up with and something that could just be for me and for some fun and distraction-turned into the biggest heartache of my life. It had been seven years since I had set eyes on that man and I had thanked God for every one that passed. But there he was. Standing before me and my new husband with a smile and a warm hello. And three weeks later he surprised me again by sitting down across the sanctuary for service in our church. What in the world was God up to?! 

I got a little annoyed with Pastor Gary and with God. Then my husband who seemed to be so full of faith that this was a great thing happening. Ha! Not I! I was angry. I was afraid. I felt insecure. I got snobbish. I was stubborn and rebellious. I was a brat. For months I was a brat. But the Lord had given a promise that day and His word never returns to Him void. 

Finally the day came when I couldn't ignore this man and I couldn't avoid him anymore and we had to stand face to face, surrounded by oblivious people and joined by my husband-his friend. And the Lord moved and as one prophetic word was shared another was manifested and the last apology I thought I'd ever receive and one I never even hoped for was spoken. 

After that day I had to start dealing with the aftermath of the affair and the truths that had since come to light. Jesus's bright antiseptic light that comes to heal and cleanse, but burns like crazy as it does so was shining brightly on something I had prayed to keep hidden in the shadows of the past. There was no more hiding. 

That overhaul was a beast. I've never quite experienced anything like what I've gone through this past year. I want to say I'm grateful for what the Lord has accomplished along the way, but some days I'm still so raw that I can't quite find the gratitude for the pain yet. Though I know it's worth it deep down. And I know it's necessary. And most importantly, I know it's because God cares about me. And He wants me to be set free at last from the cage of my own making. And in the process, I am being given the extraordinary opportunity to share my testimony-one I refused to speak-with others and allow the Spirit of God to move in their lives too. 

As I wrote my story, the emotional and spiritual roller coaster was dizzying. I've been up and down , spun in circles, put through a few loops, and have thrown up a few times. I've screamed, I've trembled, I've delighted, and I've cheered. It's an experience of a lifetime, that's for certain. But I found solid ground again. I steadied myself and caught my breath and found out I had survived! And I found that I am a different person. There are parts of me that have changed a lot, as promised, since that word was spoken over me. 

However, I realized something truly amazing just this morning. Our pastor friend from the North made his way back to our church this weekend. He shared a powerful word about being awakened to God's purpose for our lives. I was promised that I would be overhauled into someone that those from my past who were coming back would not even recognize; Someone different than even I know. 

In all the years since I came back to the Lord and closed the door on my past I've never really seen myself as the new creation that I am. I have strived to do everything I could to not be who I was, but never feeling like I was any different. At times, I've even felt like a fraud. 

But through this healing process and exposure to the past I've realized that I am a different person. I have been. The overhaul has been going on these past eight years, but I didn't even see it. It took being seen in a completely new light by someone from my past (and seeing him differently as well) to realize the overhaul I was so afraid of was already done. I just had to be overhauled in my self-perception. The negative confessions I kept speaking and thinking of myself had to cease (another part of the word I received). 

 As I made notes of the key points and impact statements from his sermon today, I was quickened by the Spirit of the Lord. He began to whisper to me and reveal things to me that I've missed along this year's journey.

When discussing Paul's spiritual awakening he said that Paul was awakened to the promises of God. And that a promise from God is when God goes into your future and brings back a word to get you there and to get you through it. As he said those words and I wrote them down, the Spirit of God brought back to my remembrance the word this same pastor spoke over me with promise and hope just last year. The promises made to me by God that afternoon. 

Last year the Lord promised me that my healing was already sealed in the heavens. It was done. It was mine. The blessings of the Lord and the answer to my silent cries were coming. 

In the year since then, I've held onto those words as my lifeline. My healing is sealed in the heavens. The Lord is raining His blessing upon my obedience. He hears my cries and He sees my tears. He is answering. No truer words have been spoken than the statement Pastor Gary gave this morning. The Word of the Lord that made these promises to me has sustained me throughout some pretty trying moments. It has urged me to keep pressing forward when I don't feel like, or I don't want to, or I'm afraid of what's next. 

The last few weeks of editing, proofing, and finalizing my book have been challenging, to say the least. Silly mistakes, oversights, and outside distractions have seemed to be winning and are serving to frustrate me at every turn. I've almost lost my cool more than once and I have cried plenty. Opposition before mission. The opposition has been great. 

Emotionally, I feel barraged by attacks from the Enemy. He seems to be coming at me from almost every angle. I've felt beat down and tired and ready to give up. But I've held onto the word spoken over me..."the Lord sees you when you keep on keeping on. Even when you don't feel like, or don't want to, or don't understand. And there's a blessing in your obedience." That promise has sustained me through the opposition. 

I've started to doubt the call to write this book; to share this testimony. I've started to doubt the power in it and its worth. But the word this morning reminded me of how this all began. The spiritual awakening that occurred just over a year ago and all that's transpired since wasn't for nothing. Pastor Gary said this morning that an awakening always comes with an assignment. We have a purpose to fulfill in God's Kingdom and we have been awakened with power to walk in what we've been called to do. And that's what I'm doing. It's what I've always known I was supposed to do.  

Thank you, Lord, for confirming your word and giving a fresh perspective to it this morning. Thank you for using Pastor Gary to touch the hearts of every person who sat under the message today. I know each of us was impacted in a very personal way. You know your children and you know just how and when to speak to us and awaken us to your call. Thank you for using Pastor Gary as an alarm clock to our church. Thank you for using him all over the world to reach people for you. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for loving your kids so much that you take the time whisper to each of us the words and promises you know we need to hear. 

Thank you for giving me a promise to hold onto as I've faced opposition in the mission you've assigned me to. You are truly amazing, Lord. Amen. 

I write all this to encourage you to keep pressing on in whatever God has called you to do. He sees your obedience. Hang onto the words spoken over you from your Heavenly Father and know he is going to accomplish every single thing He said He was going to. Be blessed always, my friends. And be encouraged in the word of the Lord today.