Why Did You Write This?
It's been about five weeks since my book, "Letters to My Lover" was released. I am acquainted with most of the people who have read it up to this point. As most artists, I've been ravaged by curiosity and even insecurity as people view my art. I've never laid myself as bare as I did in this book. I have never been as transparent as I was in this project. As my family, friends, and acquaintances have picked up "Letters" they have not only taken the time to view my art, but to learn about who I used to be and who I am because of my past. A past I've never talked about. A past that hasn't been advertised or testified about-at least not publicly. I knew that everyone picking up my book (including my own mother) was in for some surprises when they started reading. I've felt like I was lying on a bed of nails awaiting their reactions.
It's been a mixed review. Compliments on my writing style have been given freely. I appreciate those, as an artist. Feedback on the material, on the story, hasn't come as liberally. For those closest to me, my story generated questions and provoked serious conversations that were long overdue. A few people who have read it have politely avoided direct contact with me and conversation about the book. I regret that. My story wasn't for everyone. I appreciate the support shown by those who know me, but I'm afraid some may have not realized what they were getting into either. There were very specific audiences that were being targeted in this piece of writing. And I told my story as it happened, without sugar-coating.
There have been those precious conversations when my heart has been touched by the resulting testimonies. The responses that said, "Yes! I needed this. I needed to know I'm not alone. I had no idea you have such a similar back story to me. Thank you for being brave enough to share this." Those moments have made the entire process worth it to me. My heart's desire was to expose the hidden testimonies cloaked in fear and oppression. I wanted the opportunity to allow the Son to shine His light on them...antiseptic and healing. Just as He did for me. I wanted to see my sisters feeling emboldened to stand up and hold their head high and declare, "This is what Jesus did for me." I have rejoiced every time a sister has come to me to whisper their thanks and ask for a conversation over a cup of coffee.
I've also had a lot of people ask me "why". Why did I write this book? Why did I expose myself in this way? Why did I write such a gritty, provacative piece? Why not gloss over those uncomfortable moments? Especially since I'm writing about such a taboo subject! I've felt insecure and highly self-conscious under the microscope of these questioning peers-many of whom haven't even read it for themselves yet. I won't lie and say that I didn't ask the Lord and myself the same questions many times throughout the process. But I knew where my conviction was. I prayed over every draft of this book and knew what the Lord had led me to add and what He had led me to remove. There were no doubts within me that the copy I released was exactly as I had been instructed to do it.
So to those of you who are wondering why, I just want to answer you honestly and from my heart. I believe one of the most important components of ministry is transparency. Transparency allows us to be human and relatable. Being an open book (no pun intended) is a way to connect with those you want to reach in a personal way and on a real level.When someone is a recovered and delivered alcoholic or drug addict, they can share freely and openly about their addiction. They can minister to others by sharing about the person they were before God changed them. Who they were and the awful things they did to themselves and those around them is a part of their testimony. They can't really relate to the unsaved or the newly saved, yet to be delivered, without being real about who they were.
The same goes for every other sin that one can be delivered from. I've heard the testimonies of angry, abusive husbands and fathers who were radically changed by Jesus. I've heard the testimonies of people delivered from all sorts of addictions, bondages, worship to false gods, and sinful lifestyles. And what always makes their testimonies impactful is the honesty and transparency with which they are told. The declaration of who that person was while seeing who Jesus has made them into is what shows the true redeeming power of the Gospel. And I've never heard anyone ask one of those brothers or sisters why they would choose to tell their story they way they have. Why they didn't edit details of their story to make it more appropriate. Appropriate for whom? The sensitive ears of Christians? Aren't we supposed to be the doctors welcoming in the broken and lost and helping to treat their wounds? Don't we all have a past of our own? And I've never heard one of those redeemed apologize for their transparency.
The fine line of propriety was something I teetered on precariously in the writing of this book. By no means did I ever wish to offend one of my brothers or sisters in the Lord. For the first few drafts I erred on the side of caution and "glossed over" (as a friend said) the provocative details of my story. I tried to keep things as clean as possible. However, the Spirit of God would not allow me to leave it that way. He kept pressing me to reveal more, say more, write more, tell more...show more. He kept asking more of me.
When I spoke with my publisher about the project and the fine line I felt I was walking he advised me that every writer has an audience they are writing to. He told me to pray over my audience and ask the Lord to reveal it to me. Then I write to them and no one else. Allow the Spirit of God to speak to the audience He wished to reach through my writing. Once my two specific audiences were revealed to me, it became easier to not worry about what others would think or say. This book wasn't for them. This message wasn't for them. It was for the people the Lord intended to reach through my story. And I had to write it in a way that would draw them in and make it real to them. I had to be relatable. I had to be the imperfect, messed up, lost girl again. I had to be vulnerable and raw. I had to be honest and sometimes more detailed than comfort levels appreciated.
My audiences were the young women like who I used to be. The women caught in similar situations and suffering from similar bondages and insecurities as I used to. And the women like I had become. Delivered and redeemed, but still hanging their heads internally and keeping their pasts hidden out of fear of reaction. I started out telling my story as the unsaved, lost girl in desperate need of an encounter with Jesus-and who eventually had one. And I end it with all the Lord had done to transform my life, my mindset, my walk with him, my marriage...the reset button He had pressed on my emotional health. And I wrote with the boldness and courage of a woman who knows she lived through what she did to do more than sit in the pews and hide her shame.
The Lord empowered me as I wrote "Letters". He empowered me to step out in faith and obedience and to trust that He would do the rest. He helped me conquer my fears of criticism and judgment. He built me up in who I am in Him and reminded me that's all that matters. And the fact that my past is so much of a surprise to others is a testimony to how far He's brought me. The fact that people look at my marriage and would never guess what my husband and I have gone through speaks volumes to His restorative power and to the importance of not giving up, but instead pressing into Him with prayer when things get tough. My story can remind women that just because we've fallen, it doesn't mean we can't get back up. God is a God of completion-that means complete restoration.
But before we can understand the extent of the restoration, we have to understand the extent of the damages. Like home make-over shows-I wrote as openly and descriptively as I did in order to give clear before and after pictures to my audiences. That was how ugly I was. But this is how powerful my God is.
Some may feel that I could have done a better editing job. That's okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. My feelings aren't hurt. I welcome questions and honesty, respectfully. Just know that my honesty has opened hearts that may have not been pulled in if it weren't for the subject at hand. And I've captured the attention of those who are still lost in the sin I wrote about. They could feel what I felt and see what I saw and have done what I did. I was relatable. And when their guards were down and defenses low, Jesus snuck in and pierced their hearts and lives have been changed. The fruit has been shown. Marriages have been impacted. They eyes of wives have been opened to the dangers lurking by. Women drowning in a sea of insecurity and doubt have been told they deserve more and are better than what the men they've known have shown them. They have been told they are worthy for the first time in their lives. I wouldn't edit one word from "Letters" if it meant risking the deliverance of my readers.
Please don't mistake this as a rant or my being defensive. I'm not. I am grateful and blessed by what the Lord has been doing and prayerful that women and marriages will continue to be impacted by my writing. I want to encourage others to be honest with your art. Use it as your ministry and follow where the Lord leads you-unafraid of what others have to say about it. There may just be that one person-one single reader-whose entire existence will be changed by you writing the truest sentence you've ever written. Even at the expense of defying the rules of propriety.
I am who I am because of who I was and what I did. Jesus didn't take the old, broken pot and throw it out to start all over. No, he took the broken pot and put it in the fire and melted it down to smooth, malleable clay and shaped me and formed me as He saw fit. I'm still the same pot, just transformed into something worth much more than I used to be. I lived with this huge, magnificent testimony of what Jesus did in me hidden for almost a decade because I didn't want people to think less of me.
But I'm not here to please man. I am here to please and serve God. And I am doing my job by sitting silent on the sidelines. I'm doing my job when I'm taking the talent the Lord has blessed me with and using it to spread Word of His Gospel and how He has impacted my life. A watered down version of my testimony is not going to change lives any more than a watered down version of the Gospel is going to lead people to repentance. I've always been a better follower than the point man. But this time, I felt the Lord calling me to challenge the norm and to break down walls. I had no choice but to comply. And I am grateful that I obeyed Him and broke the rules. I wouldn't sacrifice one of my impacted readers to make myself or someone else more comfortable. I stepped out of my shell and responded in radical faith to the call of my Lord. I'll never be sorry for doing that.
Learn more about me and "Letters to My Lover" at desarayshores.com
It's been a mixed review. Compliments on my writing style have been given freely. I appreciate those, as an artist. Feedback on the material, on the story, hasn't come as liberally. For those closest to me, my story generated questions and provoked serious conversations that were long overdue. A few people who have read it have politely avoided direct contact with me and conversation about the book. I regret that. My story wasn't for everyone. I appreciate the support shown by those who know me, but I'm afraid some may have not realized what they were getting into either. There were very specific audiences that were being targeted in this piece of writing. And I told my story as it happened, without sugar-coating.
There have been those precious conversations when my heart has been touched by the resulting testimonies. The responses that said, "Yes! I needed this. I needed to know I'm not alone. I had no idea you have such a similar back story to me. Thank you for being brave enough to share this." Those moments have made the entire process worth it to me. My heart's desire was to expose the hidden testimonies cloaked in fear and oppression. I wanted the opportunity to allow the Son to shine His light on them...antiseptic and healing. Just as He did for me. I wanted to see my sisters feeling emboldened to stand up and hold their head high and declare, "This is what Jesus did for me." I have rejoiced every time a sister has come to me to whisper their thanks and ask for a conversation over a cup of coffee.
I've also had a lot of people ask me "why". Why did I write this book? Why did I expose myself in this way? Why did I write such a gritty, provacative piece? Why not gloss over those uncomfortable moments? Especially since I'm writing about such a taboo subject! I've felt insecure and highly self-conscious under the microscope of these questioning peers-many of whom haven't even read it for themselves yet. I won't lie and say that I didn't ask the Lord and myself the same questions many times throughout the process. But I knew where my conviction was. I prayed over every draft of this book and knew what the Lord had led me to add and what He had led me to remove. There were no doubts within me that the copy I released was exactly as I had been instructed to do it.
So to those of you who are wondering why, I just want to answer you honestly and from my heart. I believe one of the most important components of ministry is transparency. Transparency allows us to be human and relatable. Being an open book (no pun intended) is a way to connect with those you want to reach in a personal way and on a real level.When someone is a recovered and delivered alcoholic or drug addict, they can share freely and openly about their addiction. They can minister to others by sharing about the person they were before God changed them. Who they were and the awful things they did to themselves and those around them is a part of their testimony. They can't really relate to the unsaved or the newly saved, yet to be delivered, without being real about who they were.
The same goes for every other sin that one can be delivered from. I've heard the testimonies of angry, abusive husbands and fathers who were radically changed by Jesus. I've heard the testimonies of people delivered from all sorts of addictions, bondages, worship to false gods, and sinful lifestyles. And what always makes their testimonies impactful is the honesty and transparency with which they are told. The declaration of who that person was while seeing who Jesus has made them into is what shows the true redeeming power of the Gospel. And I've never heard anyone ask one of those brothers or sisters why they would choose to tell their story they way they have. Why they didn't edit details of their story to make it more appropriate. Appropriate for whom? The sensitive ears of Christians? Aren't we supposed to be the doctors welcoming in the broken and lost and helping to treat their wounds? Don't we all have a past of our own? And I've never heard one of those redeemed apologize for their transparency.
The fine line of propriety was something I teetered on precariously in the writing of this book. By no means did I ever wish to offend one of my brothers or sisters in the Lord. For the first few drafts I erred on the side of caution and "glossed over" (as a friend said) the provocative details of my story. I tried to keep things as clean as possible. However, the Spirit of God would not allow me to leave it that way. He kept pressing me to reveal more, say more, write more, tell more...show more. He kept asking more of me.
When I spoke with my publisher about the project and the fine line I felt I was walking he advised me that every writer has an audience they are writing to. He told me to pray over my audience and ask the Lord to reveal it to me. Then I write to them and no one else. Allow the Spirit of God to speak to the audience He wished to reach through my writing. Once my two specific audiences were revealed to me, it became easier to not worry about what others would think or say. This book wasn't for them. This message wasn't for them. It was for the people the Lord intended to reach through my story. And I had to write it in a way that would draw them in and make it real to them. I had to be relatable. I had to be the imperfect, messed up, lost girl again. I had to be vulnerable and raw. I had to be honest and sometimes more detailed than comfort levels appreciated.
My audiences were the young women like who I used to be. The women caught in similar situations and suffering from similar bondages and insecurities as I used to. And the women like I had become. Delivered and redeemed, but still hanging their heads internally and keeping their pasts hidden out of fear of reaction. I started out telling my story as the unsaved, lost girl in desperate need of an encounter with Jesus-and who eventually had one. And I end it with all the Lord had done to transform my life, my mindset, my walk with him, my marriage...the reset button He had pressed on my emotional health. And I wrote with the boldness and courage of a woman who knows she lived through what she did to do more than sit in the pews and hide her shame.
The Lord empowered me as I wrote "Letters". He empowered me to step out in faith and obedience and to trust that He would do the rest. He helped me conquer my fears of criticism and judgment. He built me up in who I am in Him and reminded me that's all that matters. And the fact that my past is so much of a surprise to others is a testimony to how far He's brought me. The fact that people look at my marriage and would never guess what my husband and I have gone through speaks volumes to His restorative power and to the importance of not giving up, but instead pressing into Him with prayer when things get tough. My story can remind women that just because we've fallen, it doesn't mean we can't get back up. God is a God of completion-that means complete restoration.
But before we can understand the extent of the restoration, we have to understand the extent of the damages. Like home make-over shows-I wrote as openly and descriptively as I did in order to give clear before and after pictures to my audiences. That was how ugly I was. But this is how powerful my God is.
Some may feel that I could have done a better editing job. That's okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. My feelings aren't hurt. I welcome questions and honesty, respectfully. Just know that my honesty has opened hearts that may have not been pulled in if it weren't for the subject at hand. And I've captured the attention of those who are still lost in the sin I wrote about. They could feel what I felt and see what I saw and have done what I did. I was relatable. And when their guards were down and defenses low, Jesus snuck in and pierced their hearts and lives have been changed. The fruit has been shown. Marriages have been impacted. They eyes of wives have been opened to the dangers lurking by. Women drowning in a sea of insecurity and doubt have been told they deserve more and are better than what the men they've known have shown them. They have been told they are worthy for the first time in their lives. I wouldn't edit one word from "Letters" if it meant risking the deliverance of my readers.
Please don't mistake this as a rant or my being defensive. I'm not. I am grateful and blessed by what the Lord has been doing and prayerful that women and marriages will continue to be impacted by my writing. I want to encourage others to be honest with your art. Use it as your ministry and follow where the Lord leads you-unafraid of what others have to say about it. There may just be that one person-one single reader-whose entire existence will be changed by you writing the truest sentence you've ever written. Even at the expense of defying the rules of propriety.
I am who I am because of who I was and what I did. Jesus didn't take the old, broken pot and throw it out to start all over. No, he took the broken pot and put it in the fire and melted it down to smooth, malleable clay and shaped me and formed me as He saw fit. I'm still the same pot, just transformed into something worth much more than I used to be. I lived with this huge, magnificent testimony of what Jesus did in me hidden for almost a decade because I didn't want people to think less of me.
But I'm not here to please man. I am here to please and serve God. And I am doing my job by sitting silent on the sidelines. I'm doing my job when I'm taking the talent the Lord has blessed me with and using it to spread Word of His Gospel and how He has impacted my life. A watered down version of my testimony is not going to change lives any more than a watered down version of the Gospel is going to lead people to repentance. I've always been a better follower than the point man. But this time, I felt the Lord calling me to challenge the norm and to break down walls. I had no choice but to comply. And I am grateful that I obeyed Him and broke the rules. I wouldn't sacrifice one of my impacted readers to make myself or someone else more comfortable. I stepped out of my shell and responded in radical faith to the call of my Lord. I'll never be sorry for doing that.
Learn more about me and "Letters to My Lover" at desarayshores.com
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