Big Picture Revelation-Cambodia Missions Blog Part 2

Yesterday I shared with you about my being a details girl and how I usually miss the Big Picture. I expressed my joy and satisfaction over meeting God on whole new levels while in Cambodia. 

One of my teachers and someone I look up to as a writer messaged me a paraphrased quote today by Pastor Jack Hayford that said, "there are things I want to say to you that I can only say to you there". This was in reference to an overseas trip the pastor was heading out for when the Lord spoke these words to him. 

This quote brought me to what I'd like to share today. Another big picture revelation the Lord gave me while in Cambodia. One that brought immense healing to my wounded mother's heart and a peace I've needed for twelve years. 

I'm going to try to give you a brief history: 

I've always had "female problems". Even as a teenager I struggled with them. Right after I got married at 21 things went from bad to worse and my doctor started throwing around the prospect of my needing a hysterectomy. As a wife of one month with no children this was devastating to me. I was crushed and desperate to find another way. 

We tried a pharmaceutical treatment first. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant on this medication, but it happened. I didn't even realize I was pregnant for a while, because my monthlies had pretty much stopped and so I kept taking the meds when I shouldn't have been. 

When I found out I was overjoyed! It was a cause for celebration for us and our families. We couldn't wait to tell the world! And we didn't hesitate to tell everyone. 

At 14weeks I miscarried. I was home alone when it started and I won't go into the details of what that was like. I was traumatized and angry and so heartbroken. 

Later I found out it was a girl. My baby girl.

Once I got the all clear to try again we did. And it took months before it finally happened.  When I had my bubby my heart was overjoyed and I thought life couldn't get any better. Just before he turned one I was surprised by finding out I was expecting baby #2! 

Two boys later all the old problems started to arise and I finally agreed to the hysterectomy. No more babies for this momma. 

Now in the midst of loving these little monsters and chasing them around I've carried a wound in my heart. Every year on August 25th I have mourned the loss of my baby girl. There have been some years where I have hidden in bed and cried and wondered what she would be like. I allow myself that one day to grieve her loss and then I get up and carry on. Never mentioning it or wearing my wounds in any visible manner for others to see. I have silently mourned her and then tucked her away again, deep in my heart. 

The very first night in Cambodia we were at the leadership encounter retreat and when Pastor Mark was done speaking, Pastor Sophea started praying and prophesying over the group at large. Saying some things in English and others in Khmer. 

One of the things he said in English was, "Why do you question God for taking a baby by miscarriage but not thank him for blessing you with another one right away?"

For some reason, in the moment, though I cried and felt the pain of the statement it didn't click for me. I thought it was a word for someone on his team. Two days later, on the bus ride back to the city a teammate and I were sharing our testimonies with each other and I shared briefly about losing the baby. I don't usually share that part, but I felt safe to do so. 

Sunday morning in church as we were worshipping God that conversation came to my mind, followed by a flash of Pastor's word about miscarriage. Then I saw like calendar pages shifting in my mind's eye and I realized that the month Jamarcus was conceived was the month before I was due to have the first baby. If I had stayed pregnant with her, I never would have conceived Jamarcus. 

I cannot imagine a world without my sunshine in it. 

I long ago accepted there was a reason the Lord didn't allow that pregnancy to continue, but I never realized that though He took away He quickly gave back and this world would not be the same without my Jamarcus. I've always imagined it would be the three of them. But that isn't so. 

I found myself bowed before Him and blessing Him for His wisdom and good gifts. And thanking Him for His blessings! 

A big picture moment happened right there, on the other side of the planet from my children through a series of random details. A two and two I never put together on my own fell into place and it brought a healing that I never really even asked for. I allowed myself to just sit in that pain and misery and marinate in it once a year. But in one moment of revelation and worship I felt the weight of twelve years of mourning lifted from my shoulders and I was free. 

This year I didn't stay in bed and cry. I got up and took my boys to the mall and I played with them all day and hugged and laughed and snuggled and took them out to dinner. I prayed over them and I thanked God for them both. 

"God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he'll have compassion on you; he'll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered.

 No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there,

 and bring you back.." Deuteronomy 30:3-5

It took me going to the other side of the world to see the abundance of His blessing in my life in this way and not see the scar of pain and loss marring it. Just like Pastor Hayford, the Lord had to take me to the other side of the world to show me something that I just couldn't see here. 

I love that I belong to a Heavenly Father that loves me so much that He won't allow me to stay out where I wander, but will always bring me back-in every way. And He will pick up all the pieces scattered and restore all that's lost back to me. And He shows compassion and mercy to me. And heals me even when I'm not looking for it or expecting it. 

"Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life."  1Timothy 1:16