My Redeemer Surely Lives
As the Lord has been taking me through this latest process of healing and deliverance I have experienced some serious emotional highs and lows. The first thing I want to say is that I have the greatest husband in the world. He is the epitome of patience and compassion and mercy. I am ever so grateful for these Christ-like characteristics in him as I've had to walk this path.
In my last post, "Struck down but not destroyed", I noted that even though I tried to avoid this for a long time, the Lord showed me there was more to be worked out. Part of this process was having to sit down face to face, eye to eye, and heart to heart with this man from the past and clear the air. You see, seven years ago I was married to someone else. The marriage was falling apart and I had decided to leave. I had called it quits within myself. And then I had an affair.
That is not an easy admission to make publicly. It is something I have kept hidden for many years now. And the few times I have confessed it were for ministry purposes that were in private settings. And I usually downplayed it as an "overlap". But I will call it what is was now. It was adultery. I don't say this with pride, but I most certainly don't say it with the shame I once would have. It is a fact.
The prophetic word given to me last year was kept private and I am grateful for it. And though he did not address this issue head on, he let me know that deliverance and healing were coming. Now the person I was involved with back then has become a member of my church. He is now my brother in Christ. The Lord was determined to dig this out. For months I avoided him and was grateful for such a large church that I could do it. But one morning I woke from a dream where we met head on and dealt with the issue at hand and I determined I was not going to church that day. I knew I would not be able to avoid him anymore. God had spoken.
My husband would not allow me to get away with such childish behavior though. And he let me know about myself. He told me that if that conversation was going to happen then I couldn't avoid it. And I wasn't going to say or do anything to stop it either. He told me that the man involved needed it just as much as I did for his own deliverance and I would not rob him of that chance. How could I argue with that?
(A quick note: my husband has known about the relationship with this other person since before we were married. And he was also friends with this man many years before I met either of them. A fact I did not know until after. This twisted web was horrifying to me at the time. But it has given my husband a great amount of sympathy for us both as we are walking this out with the Lord and he has been supportive and understanding and protective of me and of his friend.)
And that day I was not able to avoid him. We were brought face to face twice before service even started. We ended up worshiping together. The three of us ended sharing a word and prayer together after service. And then he apologized to me. A very simple, "I'm sorry", that spoke volumes and broke that hard shell I was hiding behind wide open.
I felt great for a little while and thought we would all be able to move on from there and would never need to bring it up again. A few weeks went by and we ran into each other again. Light conversation ensued. Then I went home and I started exploding with questions and confusion. I got angry. The pain of it all erupted. Emotions I had not experienced since my encounter retreat seven years ago surfaced. I started rebuking the devil at first. LOL.
But then the Holy Spirit gently guided me back to the word and to the dream I had of me on the operating table. And He told me it's time to dig it all out once and for all. After much prayer and then conversation with my husband, I wrote him a letter.
I put myself out there in every way. He wrote back and did the same. I recognized some confusion and lines crossed and we realized that it was a conversation to be had face to face. Neither of us was going anywhere so we had to deal with what was so we could move forward with what is.
We met at a public place with my husband sitting nearby and we had the talk. Questions were asked and answered. Gaps were filled in. Apologies were given and accepted. We went into it no holds bar and exposed ourselves in the light of God's love and sought each other's and God's forgiveness. And we found it. Not many people can say that they have that opportunity in a situation like this. And most probably wouldn't take it if they did. I may not have if not for the encouragement and urging of my husband.
It was a freeing conversation. I was grateful and relieved and amazed by how the Lord orchestrated
everything simply because He loves us. And he wants to offer us freedom. And as a newer Christian this person could not express how awed he was by the mercy and kindness showed to him by Ivan or myself. After our talk they were able to talk too.
Please don't misunderstand. Boundary lines have been placed and respect and caution and are always at play, but the Lord has really been doing an amazing work in all of us involved. I've been sitting on it privately for so long because I was ashamed to make my confession known. But without the confession the testimony means nothing and this testimony is too big not to share. My Redeemer lives. This I have surely seen.
Since our conversation and the things brought to light in it, I've had to internally process and seek the Lord's help and healing. There was nothing more to be said to this man about it all, but I had to find peace for my own soul. It was not an easy process. And again I say, I have the most supportive and patient husband in the world! He expressed that he understood I had to go back in order to go forward, but if this weight is finally off of me once and for all, think of how far I will go.
Going Back...
Like most affairs it started with "innocent flirtation". Of course that didn't last. When the lines were crossed irrevocably I fooled a very bitter image of myself into believing what I was being told...it was just a fun distraction. Don't get emotionally involved. He cannot be the man you would need him to be. Have some fun and then move on. I was entitled to a little happiness and fun.
Truth be told, he never lied to me. He never set any expectations for me that he couldn't live up to. He was brutally honest about what was and was not going to happen. But that didn't matter. My heart did get caught up, even though I tried to pretend to myself that it wasn't. And there were times I got glimpses into his that said he was having the same problem; he would never let me in enough to find out though. Eventually we drifted. And I made the silent decision to let him go and not even say good-bye and he never attempted to reach me again either.
When I started to walk seriously with the Lord this became a heavy burden on my heart. I fasted and I prayed and I studied the word. I spent a long time in the Book of Hosea. I confessed to Ivan (we were dating then) and to my ex-husband. And I laid myself before the Lord and poured it out on the alter before Him. And I was forgiven. I was granted peace and wholeness again. I asked for the unholy
soul tie to be broken and it was. I thought that chapter of my life was sealed up and never to be
reopened.
Until the Lord opened it himself. Sometime after the face to face we had I had to process what was said. I had long since come to grips with my own feelings for him back then, but now he had confessed his. He opened up and shared his heart with me. Strong emotions and shortcomings alike. Weakness and wants. Fears and doubts. And ultimately the choice he made to let me go, not because he didn't want me but because he knew he wasn't in a place to be who I and my children would have needed from the person in my life. He chose to keep his heart to himself and just let me go.
At first I was relieved to hear that I wasn't just used for the physical. Right or wrong I was relieved to know that he cared about me. And looking at the life I have now, I was so grateful he made the tough choice and let me go. Because I am so happy and fulfilled and blessed. I wouldn't want it any other way than I have it. I can see he was right and he wasn't that man and we would be in a very different place if he and I had tried to make things work as a couple. The Lord was already working to our benefit even in the midst of our sin. This was the point of an emotional high. Relief and gratitude.
Then came the low. Shouldn't I have had a say so? It wasn't fair that I put my feelings out there, but he never did. I chose to cut communication without a word and walk away because I thought I meant nothing to him. Why was he the only one allowed to make an informed decision? Even though my gratitude for the way it has turned out didn't change, I became angry that I didn't get a full say so. But as I worked through that anger and really wrote through it...the root had nothing to do with being angry about what I did or didn't know back then.
It was just pain. A deep wound that I carried for far too long and it had become a part of me. And I reached the place where the Lord was asking for it back. That last bit of the root he showed me in the dream I wrote about before. I found myself lying before him, bleeding and crying out; finally ready to have it removed.
I realized that root felt like a life being removed. A "what if" life that never had a chance to grow beyond the conception in my heart and never saw the light of day, but only the secrets held in the dark of night. And now it was being exposed to the full light of Jesus' redemptive grace and He was healing me because I was ready to be healed of a pain I didn't even realize I had clung to. I thought I
deserved it.
Below is a pretty raw poem I wrote at the height of the healing moment. I was broken and exposed before the Lord. All the anger and raw pain I was feeling is revealed in the poem.
<Poem Temporarily Removed>
Right now the what is grace. It's unending, unconditional grace. And it's redemption. Wholeness. Freedom. And boldness. Boldness to be open and transparent and real about my past so that people can see the realness of God's amazing love and forgiveness. To see how all encompassing his sacrifice was. And the boldness to share so others caught in the same bondage can be set free.
In my last post, "Struck down but not destroyed", I noted that even though I tried to avoid this for a long time, the Lord showed me there was more to be worked out. Part of this process was having to sit down face to face, eye to eye, and heart to heart with this man from the past and clear the air. You see, seven years ago I was married to someone else. The marriage was falling apart and I had decided to leave. I had called it quits within myself. And then I had an affair.
That is not an easy admission to make publicly. It is something I have kept hidden for many years now. And the few times I have confessed it were for ministry purposes that were in private settings. And I usually downplayed it as an "overlap". But I will call it what is was now. It was adultery. I don't say this with pride, but I most certainly don't say it with the shame I once would have. It is a fact.
The prophetic word given to me last year was kept private and I am grateful for it. And though he did not address this issue head on, he let me know that deliverance and healing were coming. Now the person I was involved with back then has become a member of my church. He is now my brother in Christ. The Lord was determined to dig this out. For months I avoided him and was grateful for such a large church that I could do it. But one morning I woke from a dream where we met head on and dealt with the issue at hand and I determined I was not going to church that day. I knew I would not be able to avoid him anymore. God had spoken.
My husband would not allow me to get away with such childish behavior though. And he let me know about myself. He told me that if that conversation was going to happen then I couldn't avoid it. And I wasn't going to say or do anything to stop it either. He told me that the man involved needed it just as much as I did for his own deliverance and I would not rob him of that chance. How could I argue with that?
(A quick note: my husband has known about the relationship with this other person since before we were married. And he was also friends with this man many years before I met either of them. A fact I did not know until after. This twisted web was horrifying to me at the time. But it has given my husband a great amount of sympathy for us both as we are walking this out with the Lord and he has been supportive and understanding and protective of me and of his friend.)
And that day I was not able to avoid him. We were brought face to face twice before service even started. We ended up worshiping together. The three of us ended sharing a word and prayer together after service. And then he apologized to me. A very simple, "I'm sorry", that spoke volumes and broke that hard shell I was hiding behind wide open.
I felt great for a little while and thought we would all be able to move on from there and would never need to bring it up again. A few weeks went by and we ran into each other again. Light conversation ensued. Then I went home and I started exploding with questions and confusion. I got angry. The pain of it all erupted. Emotions I had not experienced since my encounter retreat seven years ago surfaced. I started rebuking the devil at first. LOL.
But then the Holy Spirit gently guided me back to the word and to the dream I had of me on the operating table. And He told me it's time to dig it all out once and for all. After much prayer and then conversation with my husband, I wrote him a letter.
I put myself out there in every way. He wrote back and did the same. I recognized some confusion and lines crossed and we realized that it was a conversation to be had face to face. Neither of us was going anywhere so we had to deal with what was so we could move forward with what is.
We met at a public place with my husband sitting nearby and we had the talk. Questions were asked and answered. Gaps were filled in. Apologies were given and accepted. We went into it no holds bar and exposed ourselves in the light of God's love and sought each other's and God's forgiveness. And we found it. Not many people can say that they have that opportunity in a situation like this. And most probably wouldn't take it if they did. I may not have if not for the encouragement and urging of my husband.
It was a freeing conversation. I was grateful and relieved and amazed by how the Lord orchestrated
everything simply because He loves us. And he wants to offer us freedom. And as a newer Christian this person could not express how awed he was by the mercy and kindness showed to him by Ivan or myself. After our talk they were able to talk too.
Please don't misunderstand. Boundary lines have been placed and respect and caution and are always at play, but the Lord has really been doing an amazing work in all of us involved. I've been sitting on it privately for so long because I was ashamed to make my confession known. But without the confession the testimony means nothing and this testimony is too big not to share. My Redeemer lives. This I have surely seen.
Since our conversation and the things brought to light in it, I've had to internally process and seek the Lord's help and healing. There was nothing more to be said to this man about it all, but I had to find peace for my own soul. It was not an easy process. And again I say, I have the most supportive and patient husband in the world! He expressed that he understood I had to go back in order to go forward, but if this weight is finally off of me once and for all, think of how far I will go.
Going Back...
Like most affairs it started with "innocent flirtation". Of course that didn't last. When the lines were crossed irrevocably I fooled a very bitter image of myself into believing what I was being told...it was just a fun distraction. Don't get emotionally involved. He cannot be the man you would need him to be. Have some fun and then move on. I was entitled to a little happiness and fun.
Truth be told, he never lied to me. He never set any expectations for me that he couldn't live up to. He was brutally honest about what was and was not going to happen. But that didn't matter. My heart did get caught up, even though I tried to pretend to myself that it wasn't. And there were times I got glimpses into his that said he was having the same problem; he would never let me in enough to find out though. Eventually we drifted. And I made the silent decision to let him go and not even say good-bye and he never attempted to reach me again either.
When I started to walk seriously with the Lord this became a heavy burden on my heart. I fasted and I prayed and I studied the word. I spent a long time in the Book of Hosea. I confessed to Ivan (we were dating then) and to my ex-husband. And I laid myself before the Lord and poured it out on the alter before Him. And I was forgiven. I was granted peace and wholeness again. I asked for the unholy
soul tie to be broken and it was. I thought that chapter of my life was sealed up and never to be
reopened.
Until the Lord opened it himself. Sometime after the face to face we had I had to process what was said. I had long since come to grips with my own feelings for him back then, but now he had confessed his. He opened up and shared his heart with me. Strong emotions and shortcomings alike. Weakness and wants. Fears and doubts. And ultimately the choice he made to let me go, not because he didn't want me but because he knew he wasn't in a place to be who I and my children would have needed from the person in my life. He chose to keep his heart to himself and just let me go.
At first I was relieved to hear that I wasn't just used for the physical. Right or wrong I was relieved to know that he cared about me. And looking at the life I have now, I was so grateful he made the tough choice and let me go. Because I am so happy and fulfilled and blessed. I wouldn't want it any other way than I have it. I can see he was right and he wasn't that man and we would be in a very different place if he and I had tried to make things work as a couple. The Lord was already working to our benefit even in the midst of our sin. This was the point of an emotional high. Relief and gratitude.
Then came the low. Shouldn't I have had a say so? It wasn't fair that I put my feelings out there, but he never did. I chose to cut communication without a word and walk away because I thought I meant nothing to him. Why was he the only one allowed to make an informed decision? Even though my gratitude for the way it has turned out didn't change, I became angry that I didn't get a full say so. But as I worked through that anger and really wrote through it...the root had nothing to do with being angry about what I did or didn't know back then.
It was just pain. A deep wound that I carried for far too long and it had become a part of me. And I reached the place where the Lord was asking for it back. That last bit of the root he showed me in the dream I wrote about before. I found myself lying before him, bleeding and crying out; finally ready to have it removed.
I realized that root felt like a life being removed. A "what if" life that never had a chance to grow beyond the conception in my heart and never saw the light of day, but only the secrets held in the dark of night. And now it was being exposed to the full light of Jesus' redemptive grace and He was healing me because I was ready to be healed of a pain I didn't even realize I had clung to. I thought I
deserved it.
Below is a pretty raw poem I wrote at the height of the healing moment. I was broken and exposed before the Lord. All the anger and raw pain I was feeling is revealed in the poem.
<Poem Temporarily Removed>
Right now the what is grace. It's unending, unconditional grace. And it's redemption. Wholeness. Freedom. And boldness. Boldness to be open and transparent and real about my past so that people can see the realness of God's amazing love and forgiveness. To see how all encompassing his sacrifice was. And the boldness to share so others caught in the same bondage can be set free.
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