Struck down, but not destroyed
Over the past few months I have been going through a bit of a deliverance walk. It's one I thought I had walked out and walked away from seven years ago, however the Lord has shown me clearly that it wasn't over. I always tell the ladies in my small group that when they are ministering to someone to be transparent. We don't hve it all together and we don't deserve to be on some pedestal. I know I don't! I do my best to be transparent about my own struggles and shortcomings as well as my victories when I am ministering to them. Past and present.
But this recent journey I've had to take has been a doozy. There were things I did in my past that I wanted to leave right there in the past. And the people involved in those acts needed to stay there too. For seven years I got my wish. But last August there was a prophetic word spoken over me that let me know that some old wounds were going to be reopened, but for a purpose. I was given fair warning to prepare myself, but I was still not ready for what this journey was going to entail.
A few days later I had a dream that I was laid out on a table and I was cut open. The hand of the Lord was reaching inside me and reaching down in deeper than the depths of my body could actually be. It was so dark that His arm disappeared and I could feel Him tugging and pulling. It was extremely painful and I was screaming, but He kept pulling and I could hear cracking and breaking noises that sounded like tree branches breaking. Finally, His arm reemerged and it was dripping with blood and grasping this thick root. I was throbbing from the pain, but also felt better and relieved from a pain I had grown so accustomed to that I hsnt even realized it was there anymore. I know this seems very vivid, but welcome to the dream life of me. This isn't uncommon for me.
I knew this dream had to do with the prophetic word spoken and I knew the Lord wasnt going to make me wait long for it to come to pass. And He didn't. That very same afternoon I was out with my husband and we were down separate aisles in a store and I heard him greeting someone familiarly. Then I heard a voice I hadn't heard in seven years. And all I could think, as I hid behind a shelf, was, "Really, Lord? Of all the places we could start and all the people you could have sent you're starting here?!"
I'll save all the details from there. But this person is someone I never wanted to see again. And it isn't him. He is a great person. And has become an amazing testimony to God's transforming grace in a repentant heart. It's been an honor to watch him grow and transform in God's presence. And he has become a part of our normal lives again. He and my husband knew each other long before I knew either of them. And they are joyfully friends again.
I never wanted to see this man again because he represents a "me" that I never wanted to see again. He is a reminder of my lowest of times, my darkest of days. He is a representative of my hidden sins that I've only confessed to the closest of the closet in my inner circle. Someone I have only talked about in depth with to my Heavenly Father. And a time of my life that I feel the most shame for and remember with extraordinary pain. It's a me I said goodbye to seven years ago and have walked closely with the Lord and studied the scriptures closely to be sure I never returned to.
And now God has seen fit to bring him back. And with it all of the pain, guilt, embarrassment, and even some fear has returned. Apologies hve been made and forgiveness and mercy extended by all of us. Friendships have been rekindled and boundary lines set. Reconnecting has begun. In a lot of ways it seems easier than I would have ever thought, mainly because I never thought any of this would happen. Scripture is true: He can and will do abundantly and exceedingly more than we could ever think or imagine. That has been proven very clearly over the past few months.
On the external everything looks great. The internal is where all the ruckus is. Remember that table I saw myself on? I found myself on that table. I found myself laid open and bared emotionally before the Lord and had to allow Him to do just as I saw in the dream. The emotional pain of this uprooting deliverance has been excruciating; some of the worst I've ever experienced. And because this was my hidden secret for so many years and something most people have never known about me it's something I've been going through quietly and privately. There have been moments of loneliness and fear. Moments of guilt and shame and even anger. I thought this had been dealt with! I thought I was good on this front seven years ago! Why didn't he uproot all of this when I asked him to then? Why was there more? Why does it feel even worse now than it did then?
For the last two months I've survived through this the only way I know how to survive anything. I've prayed, worshipped, and written my way through it. When there was no one to speak to and the words to speak in prayer were lost on me I would write the pain until it became worship.
Now I've come out the other side. I feel stronger. I feel like someone who has gone through surgery. Everyday is better. When I overdo it I just return to my place of rest in Him and take a breather. But I'm on my feet again. I can say I've lived through 2 Corinthians 4:8-12. "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."
There were some roots still hidden deep within that were died to the sin I was dead in, but because of Jesus' death and life I am no longer dead, but alive. And the Lord is removing every remnant of that old me and old life from within. Why now and like, Im not really sure. But I know it's helped us both to walk some of this out together and to pray each other through it as well. Jesus has truly shown me that all things can be made new.
Now I stand torn between sharing my walk and testimony and being transparent or hiding this as I hid the sins of my past. This has been a huge victory in my life and I want to share that and to celebrate what the Lord has done and to be able to allow my testimony to give hope and courage to others. But to be transparent about a shame that ran so deep for so long is not easy. The people who know me today do not know that Desaray. What will they think of me? Acceptance is a weakness I've struggled with all my life. Fear of rejection is not something I face easily. That kind of transparency is easy. But to admit and expose myself as the wretch that I was...can I do that? Dare I?
My spirit says yes. We overcome by the power of our testimony. And I have to believe that those who truly know me and love me now and those who know and trust the Lord will only count this as all joy and accredit how far I've come to the power of the living God and my Redeemer, Jesus Christ.
The next few posts you're going to get are going to be the writings that were birthed during the operation of deliverance I've been through. Some of them may not be things you would expect to come from me, but it's raw and it's real. No hiding and sugar-coating. And if you read one, read them all, because it's been a process.
But this recent journey I've had to take has been a doozy. There were things I did in my past that I wanted to leave right there in the past. And the people involved in those acts needed to stay there too. For seven years I got my wish. But last August there was a prophetic word spoken over me that let me know that some old wounds were going to be reopened, but for a purpose. I was given fair warning to prepare myself, but I was still not ready for what this journey was going to entail.
A few days later I had a dream that I was laid out on a table and I was cut open. The hand of the Lord was reaching inside me and reaching down in deeper than the depths of my body could actually be. It was so dark that His arm disappeared and I could feel Him tugging and pulling. It was extremely painful and I was screaming, but He kept pulling and I could hear cracking and breaking noises that sounded like tree branches breaking. Finally, His arm reemerged and it was dripping with blood and grasping this thick root. I was throbbing from the pain, but also felt better and relieved from a pain I had grown so accustomed to that I hsnt even realized it was there anymore. I know this seems very vivid, but welcome to the dream life of me. This isn't uncommon for me.
I knew this dream had to do with the prophetic word spoken and I knew the Lord wasnt going to make me wait long for it to come to pass. And He didn't. That very same afternoon I was out with my husband and we were down separate aisles in a store and I heard him greeting someone familiarly. Then I heard a voice I hadn't heard in seven years. And all I could think, as I hid behind a shelf, was, "Really, Lord? Of all the places we could start and all the people you could have sent you're starting here?!"
I'll save all the details from there. But this person is someone I never wanted to see again. And it isn't him. He is a great person. And has become an amazing testimony to God's transforming grace in a repentant heart. It's been an honor to watch him grow and transform in God's presence. And he has become a part of our normal lives again. He and my husband knew each other long before I knew either of them. And they are joyfully friends again.
I never wanted to see this man again because he represents a "me" that I never wanted to see again. He is a reminder of my lowest of times, my darkest of days. He is a representative of my hidden sins that I've only confessed to the closest of the closet in my inner circle. Someone I have only talked about in depth with to my Heavenly Father. And a time of my life that I feel the most shame for and remember with extraordinary pain. It's a me I said goodbye to seven years ago and have walked closely with the Lord and studied the scriptures closely to be sure I never returned to.
And now God has seen fit to bring him back. And with it all of the pain, guilt, embarrassment, and even some fear has returned. Apologies hve been made and forgiveness and mercy extended by all of us. Friendships have been rekindled and boundary lines set. Reconnecting has begun. In a lot of ways it seems easier than I would have ever thought, mainly because I never thought any of this would happen. Scripture is true: He can and will do abundantly and exceedingly more than we could ever think or imagine. That has been proven very clearly over the past few months.
On the external everything looks great. The internal is where all the ruckus is. Remember that table I saw myself on? I found myself on that table. I found myself laid open and bared emotionally before the Lord and had to allow Him to do just as I saw in the dream. The emotional pain of this uprooting deliverance has been excruciating; some of the worst I've ever experienced. And because this was my hidden secret for so many years and something most people have never known about me it's something I've been going through quietly and privately. There have been moments of loneliness and fear. Moments of guilt and shame and even anger. I thought this had been dealt with! I thought I was good on this front seven years ago! Why didn't he uproot all of this when I asked him to then? Why was there more? Why does it feel even worse now than it did then?
For the last two months I've survived through this the only way I know how to survive anything. I've prayed, worshipped, and written my way through it. When there was no one to speak to and the words to speak in prayer were lost on me I would write the pain until it became worship.
Now I've come out the other side. I feel stronger. I feel like someone who has gone through surgery. Everyday is better. When I overdo it I just return to my place of rest in Him and take a breather. But I'm on my feet again. I can say I've lived through 2 Corinthians 4:8-12. "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."
There were some roots still hidden deep within that were died to the sin I was dead in, but because of Jesus' death and life I am no longer dead, but alive. And the Lord is removing every remnant of that old me and old life from within. Why now and like, Im not really sure. But I know it's helped us both to walk some of this out together and to pray each other through it as well. Jesus has truly shown me that all things can be made new.
Now I stand torn between sharing my walk and testimony and being transparent or hiding this as I hid the sins of my past. This has been a huge victory in my life and I want to share that and to celebrate what the Lord has done and to be able to allow my testimony to give hope and courage to others. But to be transparent about a shame that ran so deep for so long is not easy. The people who know me today do not know that Desaray. What will they think of me? Acceptance is a weakness I've struggled with all my life. Fear of rejection is not something I face easily. That kind of transparency is easy. But to admit and expose myself as the wretch that I was...can I do that? Dare I?
My spirit says yes. We overcome by the power of our testimony. And I have to believe that those who truly know me and love me now and those who know and trust the Lord will only count this as all joy and accredit how far I've come to the power of the living God and my Redeemer, Jesus Christ.
The next few posts you're going to get are going to be the writings that were birthed during the operation of deliverance I've been through. Some of them may not be things you would expect to come from me, but it's raw and it's real. No hiding and sugar-coating. And if you read one, read them all, because it's been a process.
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