Found
Pt. 2
I remember the day that this light came in and shone into my darkness.
Through an interesting series of teenage hijinx and events, I was conned into going to church. The eye rolling, pouting and murmuring I did in my closet about that ordeal! It was a conspiracy. It was hypocrisy. It was annoying.
Months went by as I attended just enough to satisfy the hounds. I would be bored and irritated. Not at all interested or open. But there was this one Sunday morning...I to this day could not tell you the date, nor the sermon. But there was no way that man should know anything about me...yet somehow his words from the stage reached out and struck a match at the opening of my closet door.
The light seemed so far away. I didn't was afraid of it. I pulled back and curled tighter. Hope equaled pain and disappointment. They were not going to catch me now. No matter what pretty words that man spoke on stage. No matter how intriguing that little light was. And no matter how kind the hand extended in invitation...I would not be taken without a fight.
Time went by. I remained hidden on the inside. I felt even more protective of myself and curled a little tighter. Nothing, absolutely nothing, had been able to penetrate my walls since they had gone up. For years I was safe in my inner sanctum. Now this candle just sat burning in the distance. Its flame casting light into places I wanted to stay dark. Bringing heat into my comfortably cool domain. Enticing me forward...though I was too afraid and too stubborn to move.
One night I went somewhere that was supposed to be fun and instead had to come face to face with a choice. Stay in the dark or step into the light. That sounds pretty cut and dry. But I felt my world crumbling.
I had to acknowledge why I was in the closet to begin with. I had realize and admit that there was something vital missing from life of hiding. I had to admit that it was time for a change. But what?
The fire was fanned and the candle burned brighter. My black hole was illuminated and I had to start looking around me and in me. I started to take stock. I didn't like what I saw.
A week later I go somewhere else. Pretty words were spoken from a pulpit again. The flame got uncomfortably hot. It was getting brighter too. Tried as I might I couldn't hide any more. I was exposed. I was found.
The same as the doorbell ringing and then the phone that night years ago at my friend's house...I felt the panic seize me as I realized that I couldn't hide anymore. I was found.
Terror gripped me first. But it couldn't take hold. It had no power. There was something greater, stronger, present. I was in the very back corner of my cubby peaking out from behind my fingers as they covered my face. And I heard the gentlest voice calling my name to the door. It was calm, inviting, promising...soothing. It was trustworthy.
Even as fear beckoned me to keep it company in the dark recesses of that closet, I could not resist inching forward to see what was being offered. It was nothing I had ever heard before. Nothing I had ever felt before. That had to be a good sign.
Suddenly the brightest light burst forth and exposed everything inside of me. Yet it exposed Him too. Suddenly I was wrapped in love and warmth and peace and gentleness...I was wrapped in an embrace that I had waited my entire youth for.
He held me in His arms and rocked me back and forth as I sobbed. As I confessed my ugliest and darkest thoughts and deeds...I was met with understanding, encouragement and forgiveness.
When I laid my pain bare...He placed a hand upon my wounds that was a healing balm and promised me He would make it right. He would fix it all. He promised to cleanse me of all the ugliness...theirs and my own.
He told me how much He loved me. He filled me with His love. I was overflowing and exploding with it throughout ever fiber of my being. Unconditional, accepting, all-consuming love. Love that died for me. Love that would help me to live, at last.
"This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in Him at all....But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from all sin." 1 John 1
I remember the day that this light came in and shone into my darkness.
Through an interesting series of teenage hijinx and events, I was conned into going to church. The eye rolling, pouting and murmuring I did in my closet about that ordeal! It was a conspiracy. It was hypocrisy. It was annoying.
Months went by as I attended just enough to satisfy the hounds. I would be bored and irritated. Not at all interested or open. But there was this one Sunday morning...I to this day could not tell you the date, nor the sermon. But there was no way that man should know anything about me...yet somehow his words from the stage reached out and struck a match at the opening of my closet door.
The light seemed so far away. I didn't was afraid of it. I pulled back and curled tighter. Hope equaled pain and disappointment. They were not going to catch me now. No matter what pretty words that man spoke on stage. No matter how intriguing that little light was. And no matter how kind the hand extended in invitation...I would not be taken without a fight.
Time went by. I remained hidden on the inside. I felt even more protective of myself and curled a little tighter. Nothing, absolutely nothing, had been able to penetrate my walls since they had gone up. For years I was safe in my inner sanctum. Now this candle just sat burning in the distance. Its flame casting light into places I wanted to stay dark. Bringing heat into my comfortably cool domain. Enticing me forward...though I was too afraid and too stubborn to move.
One night I went somewhere that was supposed to be fun and instead had to come face to face with a choice. Stay in the dark or step into the light. That sounds pretty cut and dry. But I felt my world crumbling.
I had to acknowledge why I was in the closet to begin with. I had realize and admit that there was something vital missing from life of hiding. I had to admit that it was time for a change. But what?
The fire was fanned and the candle burned brighter. My black hole was illuminated and I had to start looking around me and in me. I started to take stock. I didn't like what I saw.
A week later I go somewhere else. Pretty words were spoken from a pulpit again. The flame got uncomfortably hot. It was getting brighter too. Tried as I might I couldn't hide any more. I was exposed. I was found.
The same as the doorbell ringing and then the phone that night years ago at my friend's house...I felt the panic seize me as I realized that I couldn't hide anymore. I was found.
Terror gripped me first. But it couldn't take hold. It had no power. There was something greater, stronger, present. I was in the very back corner of my cubby peaking out from behind my fingers as they covered my face. And I heard the gentlest voice calling my name to the door. It was calm, inviting, promising...soothing. It was trustworthy.
Even as fear beckoned me to keep it company in the dark recesses of that closet, I could not resist inching forward to see what was being offered. It was nothing I had ever heard before. Nothing I had ever felt before. That had to be a good sign.
Suddenly the brightest light burst forth and exposed everything inside of me. Yet it exposed Him too. Suddenly I was wrapped in love and warmth and peace and gentleness...I was wrapped in an embrace that I had waited my entire youth for.
He held me in His arms and rocked me back and forth as I sobbed. As I confessed my ugliest and darkest thoughts and deeds...I was met with understanding, encouragement and forgiveness.
When I laid my pain bare...He placed a hand upon my wounds that was a healing balm and promised me He would make it right. He would fix it all. He promised to cleanse me of all the ugliness...theirs and my own.
He told me how much He loved me. He filled me with His love. I was overflowing and exploding with it throughout ever fiber of my being. Unconditional, accepting, all-consuming love. Love that died for me. Love that would help me to live, at last.
"This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in Him at all....But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from all sin." 1 John 1
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