It's okay to remember

I was in church this morning and enjoying the sweetest moment in the Presence of my King. I felt overwhelmed with the sacrificial love that He poured out for me, I mean ME? I know it wasn't JUST for me, but I also know that I was part of it. I know that my sins were part of the pain He felt that day. I know my debt was paid that day. I know that my Savior took my punishment that day. I know that He suffered a death and separation from the Father that should have been mine to bear. I, along with every other man and woman on the planet, am so unworthy. 

Who am I that He takes the time to reach down from His heavenly throne to concern Himself with my trivial problems? The smallest requests and desires? Who am I that He would defend me unto death? That He would reach down and pull me out of the pit I was heedlessly falling into? Who am I that He would salvage me from the rubble of this world and take the time to carefully and tenderly clean me up and teach me a new way? 

As I was savoring the sweet presence of Him and His love and the knowledge that He did it all because of the overflow of love and goodness that makes up His very essence, memories came to me. A time and a situation that I am not proud of. An embarrassingly desperate and ugly period of my life. I did a lot of stupid things and played with fire in ways that are humiliating and shameful now. To be honest, it was then too-but I was desperate. 

These memories sometimes flit through my mind and I usually shoo them away, embarrassed or irritated. I ignore them. Today I started to feel shame, but then I felt Him lift me up. I felt Him straighten me up and pick up my chin. I felt His reassurance that it is past. So I specifically repented for every attitude, word, debt and sinful action in the entire situation. I admitted my wrong and laid it out to Him. I thanked Him for His protection in my foolishness. I thanked Him for His deliverance from moments such as that. The simple act of repenting and praising Him...acknowledging my wrong and His Righteousness was so blissfully fulfilling. I felt the weight of one day thirteen years ago lift off of me, when I hadn't even realized it was weighing me down! 

He is a gracious, forgiving, just and merciful God! Wonder of wonders that He would go through torture and death in order to rip the veil and allow His Presence to rain down on us with mercy and love unending! 

After the service we had baptisms today. Watching those who committed ahead of time and those who suddenly felt the move of the Spirit and answered the call be baptized was so beautiful and I cherished every exhilarated and anointed moment of it. And so grateful was I that I had received my own spiritual cleansing earlier when He washed me clean of sins almost forgotten. 

I've heard other believers counsel me and others that the Enemy of our souls will conjure up memories of sins and the past in order to bring us down and trip us up. He tries to remind us of how sinful and ugly we were in order to separate us from God through a guilt conscience. I know that this is true and he will do just that. But I made the mistake of casting down those memories and thoughts for a long time. Refusing to concentrate on them because I thought I was giving the devil what he wanted. 

Then came a person from my past that was a reminder of a time that I once enjoyed remembering and even telling others of-proudly. This person showed up in MY church! And shame washed over me so heavy at once. I was embarrassed and self conscience. I avoided the person like the plague at every turn. I was angry that they were there. I was upset that of all the churches why mine? I was offended.

I started praying that this person left! It was great hearing a huge testimony shared. Seeing a baptism and a mother weeping in pride and relief. Yet, why here? I pouted. I hung my head in shame. I lost focus in the sanctuary the moment I spotted them. It rattled me for over a month! 

Then one Sunday, I was in worship and I was celebrating in the Presence of the Lord. I opened my eyes and I saw this person on the other side of the sanctuary-worshiping our God with abandon! It was a precious sight, especially knowing where they came from and who they were before God. The tenderness touched my heart and I believe for that moment the Lord allowed me to feel what He felt for that saint. I broke and apologized for my anguish and selfishness. I confessed how tortured I felt by my own hand in the sinful past. And how I was projecting my self-loathing onto this new babe in the Lord. 

God showed me then that we were now both children of the Most High and we were both washed clean. We were forgiven and He no longer even knew of what I spoke. I repented for old and new and left it all there at His feet. Ever since, I'm okay, even happy to see the transformed person worshiping the Lord each Sunday. I don't go out of my way to have dealings, for good reason. But I am able to at last speak to, welcome and bless them when our paths cross. 

I learned through that situation that sometimes it isn't the Enemy trying to bring me down. It isn't the Enemy condemning me, but God convicting me. That was a period of my life that I walked in haughty and eagerly. And for many years after I felt no remorse for it. I saw nothing wrong. I even bragged to friends on occasion. I was proud. When I first came to the Lord and went on an Encounter Retreat I was urged into exploring my past of different types of sin. I put that on the list and burned it with the rest and walked away. 

As I've walked in deliverance, I haven't given it much thought. When I was confronted with it I felt attacked. I wasn't being attacked. I was being nudged by the Lord and offered an invitation to repent on a deeper level. I was being given the opportunity to lay it down and truly be delivered and set free from a bondage. And even more importantly, I was given the opportunity that few in my house of worship had. I was given the precious opportunity to look upon a new saint and not see just a new face in the crowd. I was given the opportunity to look upon that new face and see what the Lord had done-truly from the inside out. I could see the transformation that so few would ever understand. It was precious. It was sacred. It was a gift. One that I learned to rejoice in, for He is worthy of all praise and capable of all things. 

So today when I felt a new memory of an old sin come upon me in the Presence of my God, I did not flee, however I did flinch. It's not easy to see yourself with God eyes. Especially not the old you. But I embraced the moment and looked at it with clarity of mind, spiritual discernment and understanding and through every small piece the Lord revealed to me-I gave it right back to Him with a repented heart. And then it was GONE! 

He brings things back to us in order to free us. We repent and promise to turn from sin when we accept Him. But sometimes we don't realize how hard that really is. And even when we are delivered and we walk away from the ways of the world, we don't realize the impact the world had on us. Old hurts that we don't think of anymore still stick to our hearts like thorns that we have just become accustomed to. Sins of our past can weigh us down in defeat, shame, guilt and even sometimes temptation. He wishes to cleanse us thoroughly. When He reminds us of those moments we aren't proud of-it's so we can let go of that specific event and allow it to officially be thrown into the Sea of Forgetfulness. He seeks to take those things that would bind and weigh us down so that we can really achieve victory over them through His blood and love. 

Don't run from your past in fear or guilt or shame. Face it! Reach out, pick it up and hand it over to the One who is Victorious! Even the little failures and small lies you may have told once upon a time. Don't brush it off when you remember. Don't run away from it in anger or bitterness or fear. Don't blow it off like it doesn't matter now. Don't sit and dwell in what an awful person you are. Hand it over to Him who calls it forth in your memory. He is asking for it. He wishes a trade. Your burden for His forgiveness and mercy. Let Him lift that weight off of you and free from you from things you don't even realize bind you.